Unfunny Sam’s Book of Snickers

(an original collection of aphorisms, sammerisms, and other miscellaneous nonsense)

If you feel blessed, you are


It’s better to live a rich life than to be a rich man


Hope springs eternal, doesn’t that just piss you off


You can’t talk nuances to a dilettante


You know what they say about blind squirrels, they keep running into shit


If you start seeing the glass half empty it’s time to order another drink


Just remember, when one door closes they might not let you back in


Every cloud has a silver lining, but the glare is giving me a headache


Hopefully by tomorrow today will be over


All’s well that ends


He who hesitates is stoned


shit happens buy a bidet


Retirement is like a speedo, I don’t see it anywhere in my future


What stops you from being happy? Your opinion of what will make you happy


Real men hold grudges


Stress is thinking what you should be doing is more important than what you are doing


Sometimes life is like flying a kite, no strings no flight


I’ve got to get back to what ever it is I wasn’t doing


I’m so damn proud of my humility


Just another day at the zoo


Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do


No audience, no drama


I’m not late, I just didn’t get here in time


Every thing is subjective unless I tell you other wise


Nobody remembers second place, unless it’s you


Life is about making mistakes and shame takes the joy out of making them


The less you hurry the more time you have


True humility can not stand up to it’s own scrutiny


Acceptance is the only true cure for frustration, well that and alcohol


The grass maybe greener on the other side but someone still has to mow it


Hope is a gift and must be treated as such


I didn’t forget I just didn’t remember in time


Grace is accepting what happens to you with gratitude


I’d crawl home if I could find my way to my knees


The softer you treat yourself, the more malleable you become


Humility begets gratitude and gratitude begets happiness


The years of your life are like the treads on your tires, they always disappear but nobody knows where the hell they go


Hope is a consideration sprinkled with optimism


I can’t presume to tell you what you said, I can only tell you what I think I heard


There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but you’ve got to catch him first


Criticizing your critical mind is a waste of time


You have to let it be, before you can let it go


I am who I am, not who I think I am


Life’s not a chair of bowlies


Meanness is a weak man’s attempt at strength


You can never truly appreciate your talent until you stop comparing it to others


Life is nothing more than a time sensitive juggling act


You’re not the man I married and you’re never going to change


It’s like seeing Ghandi in the drive through at McDonalds


If Jesus had been raised in my family, he’d still be treading water today


Fashion is nothing more that a manifestation of man’s need for change


Politics turned to shit when it turned into a business


Being a leader is a responsibility, being an artist is a calling


How can I feel so important and be so insignificant


Labels by their nature separate


The answer is a never-ending pursuit of the answer


Sex is weird, no friction no pleasure


In your eagerness to react, you missed the point


I can’t presume to tell you what you said, I can only tell you what I think I heard.


I deserve to be entitled


Just think, when you die you’re going to be gone forever and you don’t even have to pack a bag.


Hope is a consideration sprinkled with optimism


Is it the perception of my reality or the reality of my perception.


Despite all previous evidence to the contrary, I still have hope.


Faith is pressing your bet that what you believe to be true is indeed true.


Out of all the baggage you carry around, your opinion does the most damage


When life gets hard, paint your toes and move on


Eliminate who you aren’t, and there you are


It’s not about the truth, it’s about your attachment to what you perceive to be the truth


Opinions are like ladders, they’re great when you need them but you shouldn’t carry them around with you


I’d like to stay but you gotta go


Cut it down the middle and give me my 60%


I love you for who you are, I put up with your personality


World’s shortest conversation; so then, well now, ok bye